Sometimes life has a Moonstruck "POW" snap out of it way of smacking you in the face and bringing you back to reality, or at least, helping you see things more clearly. 

I turned 30. 

Everyone knew it was a big thing to me.  A lot of people texted and called to wish me a happy birthday.  Only Lola and Mandy came by to see me.  Only Mandy, Darryl, and my uncle got me a present, the Sirius satellite radio and the year's subscription.  That's it.  Darryl didn't even wish me a happy birthday on my birthday and we live together.  And I was like...wow.  All the shit I do for people on their birthdays and fucking bankrupt myself for them to get the perfect gift, and I basically got...nothing.  Yes, it sounds selfish and petty and maybe it is...but I mean damn...2 visitors and one gift for my 30th fucking birthday.  I don't even think I saw Juice more than 10 minutes on my birthday, though he did crawl into bed with me that night.  Of course he didn't have a gift.  We are supposed to go out and go shopping for it.  Of course we'll never get to go.  He still hasn't even given me the valentine's gift he claims he has for me.  Am I upset with him?  I was...but it faded.  He had explained to me on Vday how he wasn't used to the whole buying a girl a gift thing.  He's used to hood rats that he would normally just throw some money at.  He said doesn't know what to get me or what would e appropriate, but he's trying to learn.  At least he's trying.  Am I mad at my "friends?"  No.  I was never mad at them...I am just greatly disapointed and really hurt.  I guess I've overestimated how much I mean to them.  I guess what I've thought of as love is really just another form of indifference.  We don't really know each other at all.

Which brings me here...to fuck all of you assholes land, a place where I no longer give a fuck about no one's birthdays or buying someone something cute because it reminds me of them or going out of my way to make people feel loved when they are down.

I'm on some really grimey it's all about me shit right now...

and my heart has never felt more broken.