~We promised to never make promises, but my forevers and his nevers makes liars of us both~

Someone fucking put an ad in my last blog and it pisssed me off so bad I haven't been writing. Not that anyone cares...but still. That's some tacky shit. Don't put a fucking ad in my comments on my blog. What an asshole thing to do.

Anyway...it's been awhile since I talked to/wrote my con. He calls me every now and then but I don't answer anymore. The other day, though, I saw he called and I missed the call. For some reason, I had been thinking of him all that day, and when i saw I missed his call, I started to cry. I feel so fucked up about it. Like I've abandoned him. There is still so much between us...love and hate. He's messed up and so am I. We understand each other too well. It's like I've cut off an arm or leg. I feel like an amputee. I'm not whole without him. Without him somewhere in my life, I don't feel like myself. I feel fake. It's so sad to admit this, but...without him...there is no me. The real me. I cut that off when I cut him off. I hope one day I can feel whole again. I hope one day...I can just be able to feel...anything. Besides broken.

I've decided to also cut off the other one. If he doesn't love me by now, after all we have been through, he'll never love me. In a way, I'm cool with that. I just wonder why we could never come together. Doesn't he think I'm good enough? He always gushes to his friends about how great I am...how cute and sweet I am...but he won't hook me up with any of them, nor will he claim me for anything more than a night at a time. I have been around him alot lately, so all the old feelings have been right under the surface of my skin and it's made me really edgy and miserable. If I would be with anyone else forever, it's him. But we're just friends. He doesn't love me. I don't think he can love me...like that. So I'm writing him a letter and letting him go. He'll fall out of my life just like the others. I'll delete his number and burn his address (which he probably won't have much longer anyway) and just move on. I don't think we can be friends. Every time I've tried that, he pushes it back to the limbo he's used to. So goodbye to Mr. BackUp Man. I have loved him well. I could have made him happy...helped with his dreams. But you know what, fuck it. It's his loss. Funny thing is...deep down...I think he knows that.

I've decided that I have to file bankruptcy. I can not explain how much this upsets me. I promised myself I would never do anything like that. It's not even like I have a house or car to try to save, and that's just sad. I'm doing it just to get the fuck out of bullshit debt, some of which isn't even my fault. Years ago someone used my name and passed bad checks. Someone got some cards. Someone put some bills in my name and didn't pay them. That on top of the shit I did..well...I'm fucking drowning. I never have any money because I'm paying out money to pay down credit cards or lawyer's fees from bad checks. I can't save for shit and if last year taught me anything, a bitch needs to have a fucking savings somewhere. This is so depressing. I can't believe I'm here. I'm only 31. I haven't even really lived yet. Already I need to wipe the slate clean when I don't even have anything to save. Except maybe myself.

So this is me...trying to hold on as I'm letting shit go...hoping to salvage some part of me so I can one day try to rebuild and have a better life. Become a better version of me. I feel so lost right now that I'm clinging to the bad things just to have something to hold onto...and that's just wrong. It's time to let it go...the old loves...the old dreams...the old me.

Maybe then...I can finally fix what's broken.
Maybe then...I'll be able to live.

Right now, the bad things are clinging to me just as hard as I used to hold onto them. I wonder if a lint brush can left away an old life...