stardustsniffer
~We promised to never make promises, but my forevers and his nevers makes liars of us both~
Tempus fugit
Time.
I wonder how many people truly know the value of time. I think most people are too busy thinking of what they can get, what they can do, and when they can do it to really sit back and think about time. About how it passes quickly and slowly…how it can suspend on forever as it passes in a blink. I know I rarely sit and think about it. Yesterday I got some news and since then I have been thinking about time and what it means to people.
Like what does time mean to someone with a terminal illness? Someone in jail? Someone in an abusive relationship? Someone in a great relationship? What does it mean to someone losing their hearing or going blind? An expectant parent? Someone about to get married? What does time mean to the person that feels themselves dying and knows they are taking their last breath? Is time a blessing to these people or a curse? I find myself trying to put myself in their shoes. Imagining I was dying or waiting for my winnings to post into my account. In other words, I put most things into the categories of elation or devastation. What would I do with my time?
But the ones I wonder about the most are the ones that are posed with the term never. Like, you will never talk again. Never walk again. You will never see your child again. Spouse again. Never have a child. You will never be free again. How can one deal with the term never turning into forever for them? I don’t think I could deal with it. There’s a lot of things I take for granted, but there’s also a lot of things I deeply appreciate. I love that I can hear, even when it’s something annoying, I appreciate the fact that I hear it. I love music, poetry, and voices. I am entranced by them. When I was younger I used to fall into trances listening to things. Sometimes I would just snap out of it and realize I was just gone for a minute, drool dripping from my lip and everything. Wow. I had totally forgotten about that until I just wrote it. I was a really weird kid. But I’m the same way with looking at things. Sometimes shapes and colors put me in a daze. I love being able to see sunsets and winter skies and flowers blooming and leaves turning colors. I honestly think I would go insane if I couldn’t hear or see.
Could I live if I was confined to a cell? I don’t know. Someone asked me that before and after thinking about it, I said I would kill myself. Not out of vanity or anything, but I couldn’t live on display like that. The constant fear, no privacy, generic food…I really do believe I would kill myself if I didn’t worry myself to death. And dying. What if I were dying? Would I become brave and do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, or would I become so enveloped in the idea of dying I waste what little time I have left being bitter and afraid? I wonder what kind of person I would truly be when faced with such adversity.
And how much time has passed while I’ve wondered about these things? While you were reading my mundane thoughts?
I got some news yesterday that has had me thinking about the constraints of time and about how much of it I waste being ungrateful, angry, or afraid. It makes me want to strive to be a better person and appreciate every moment that I have left. I wish I could speak about what it is I was told, but it I’m still trying to process it myself.
I’ll save that one for another time.
I wonder how many people truly know the value of time. I think most people are too busy thinking of what they can get, what they can do, and when they can do it to really sit back and think about time. About how it passes quickly and slowly…how it can suspend on forever as it passes in a blink. I know I rarely sit and think about it. Yesterday I got some news and since then I have been thinking about time and what it means to people.
Like what does time mean to someone with a terminal illness? Someone in jail? Someone in an abusive relationship? Someone in a great relationship? What does it mean to someone losing their hearing or going blind? An expectant parent? Someone about to get married? What does time mean to the person that feels themselves dying and knows they are taking their last breath? Is time a blessing to these people or a curse? I find myself trying to put myself in their shoes. Imagining I was dying or waiting for my winnings to post into my account. In other words, I put most things into the categories of elation or devastation. What would I do with my time?
But the ones I wonder about the most are the ones that are posed with the term never. Like, you will never talk again. Never walk again. You will never see your child again. Spouse again. Never have a child. You will never be free again. How can one deal with the term never turning into forever for them? I don’t think I could deal with it. There’s a lot of things I take for granted, but there’s also a lot of things I deeply appreciate. I love that I can hear, even when it’s something annoying, I appreciate the fact that I hear it. I love music, poetry, and voices. I am entranced by them. When I was younger I used to fall into trances listening to things. Sometimes I would just snap out of it and realize I was just gone for a minute, drool dripping from my lip and everything. Wow. I had totally forgotten about that until I just wrote it. I was a really weird kid. But I’m the same way with looking at things. Sometimes shapes and colors put me in a daze. I love being able to see sunsets and winter skies and flowers blooming and leaves turning colors. I honestly think I would go insane if I couldn’t hear or see.
Could I live if I was confined to a cell? I don’t know. Someone asked me that before and after thinking about it, I said I would kill myself. Not out of vanity or anything, but I couldn’t live on display like that. The constant fear, no privacy, generic food…I really do believe I would kill myself if I didn’t worry myself to death. And dying. What if I were dying? Would I become brave and do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, or would I become so enveloped in the idea of dying I waste what little time I have left being bitter and afraid? I wonder what kind of person I would truly be when faced with such adversity.
And how much time has passed while I’ve wondered about these things? While you were reading my mundane thoughts?
I got some news yesterday that has had me thinking about the constraints of time and about how much of it I waste being ungrateful, angry, or afraid. It makes me want to strive to be a better person and appreciate every moment that I have left. I wish I could speak about what it is I was told, but it I’m still trying to process it myself.
I’ll save that one for another time.
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